..Oreo :(

(I cut and pasted this from my LJ which I originally wrote on the 22nd)

Oreo is at the vet, they are currently sedating him and surgically placing a catheter into his bladder. He has been having trouble urinating for a few days, which can happen sometimes with male cats. Infection, bladder stones, off pH in the urine… these are semi-common problems with neutered male cats. Oreo has had bladder/urethra infections before, and stones that caused bleeding and pain. But never like this, and it has been years since he last had any urinary problems.
This morning I dropped him off at the vet. I thought he had an infection. He was struggling to pee, trying to pee all over the house, crying and straining to pee.. but then on Sunday he peed on my bed. He was able to pee, although it was in my bed, and the urine was not pink/red so I was sure he just had an infection. After peeing in my bed (which he only ever does when he’s sick, and I think he does it because he knows I’ll see it there – and he often tries relaxing in bed before peeing since he’s having pain/stress from a problem), but after peeing in my bed on Sunday, he seemed to be doing fine. I didn’t see him trying to pee all over, and I didn’t hear him crying all the time while trying to pee everywhere.
Then today, he started trying to pee all over and I heard him screaming. I called the vet and convinced them to let me drop him off. They normally don’t allow that, they aren’t a emergency 24 hour clinic. I didn’t want to take him to the animal ER – they charge you $125 just for walking in the door, and the place is 45 minutes away. Not to mention, they don’t know me/Oreo, I just don’t trust them.
So I dropped Oreo off, and later on around 5pm the vet called. He said he did tests, blood/urine workup, and xrays. From the looks of it at the time, he didn’t have an infection or blockage, but he had some microscopic crystals in his urine and his bladder was enlarged and irritated. That is not uncommon, and is not usually serious.
The vet wanted to keep him until at least tomorrow night, to give him fluids and keep an eye on him. I didn’t really want that, since it sounded like he would be fine with rest, medication, and the prescription food. But I agreed to let him stay there overnight at least.

At 9:45pm, the phone rings and I see the caller ID and it was the vet. My heart sank. The vet calling after hours is just never a good thing.
They were checking on Oreo before leaving for the night and things were bad. Oreo was straining to pee and crying, they said screaming. After a few minutes, he passed out. They checked him out, and called the vet back in (the nurses were the ones there at the time, the vet had already left). They looked at him, did some more testing.. and found that Oreo was now blocked. His urethra was blocked/plugged up (either with mucus, tissue, crystals or stones) and they could not get urine to come out even after mild sedation and bladder pressure.
This is when I started crying. This is the same thing that happened to Fred, and within hours of it Fred had died. The vet confirmed this is something that can/does kill cats. Oreo was already showing signs of kidney problems from the backup of urine, and his breathing and heartrate were low from the stress, straining and pain.
I had to give them permission to rush him into surgery. They need to put him under anesthesia and surgically place a catheter into his bladder. They need to start him on IV fluids, antibiotics, muscle relaxants and painkillers.
I was on the phone with them for a while. They said they were going to go do the procedure, and call me when it was over… they said they should be calling me back within 30 minutes to tell me how the procedure went.
It has been 50minutes. No call yet. I’m crying. I’m scared Oreo already died. I’m scared that even if he makes it through the procedure, he won’t make it through the night. I’m scared he is going to die from this, just like Fred did.
I don’t want to lose Oreo. When you have no friends, no life, no human contact… your pets become more than just pets. Oreo, and Bo and Freda, are my life. Pathetic or not, that’s how it is. I love my kitties, and Oreo is very very special to me. I can’t sleep without him in bed. He is always in bed with me when I go to sleep. Whenever he hears me crying, he always comes up to me to cuddle.

I don’t want Oreo to die, but I’m afraid he will. Why haven’t they called me back yet? Please don’t let them call me back to tell me he’s gone. Please call me back soon, and tell me he made it through the procedure and is resting comfortably. They said they will stay with him until his vitals are back to normal. They will be back in the office at 8am, so he won’t be alone there for more than 6-7 hours. They simply aren’t 24 hour care clinic, so they don’t stay there overnight. But after the procedure, if he makes it, all they can do is wait and see how he does after awhile. He will be h…
And 10 minutes after I paused because the phone rang… the vet just called, and Oreo made it through the procedure. They said he’s awake, pissed off that there is all those tubes in him and he has one of those cones around his head, but he was actually starting to curl up and clean himself. Oreo is a fairly obsessive cleaner… so much so that he has to clean himself, and the other cats. All the time. So they said that is a good sign.

He made it through one step. Next thing is waiting until they come back in the morning and finish the morning testing and assessment of him. They said I should get a call by 11am updating me on how he is, and letting me know when I can come see him. They said they saw how happy he was when I went to see him today (I dropped him off at 10am, and visited him at 6pm)… so if me coming to snuggle him for a few can cheer him up, it should help me stay a bit more calm which is better for him.

I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I need Oreo in bed when I go to sleep. He isn’t here, and I know he’s sick and in pain.. I hate that.

*sigh* It’s so hard to put it into words, but I just can’t lose him. I have lost everyone I loved, and my cats have helped me through things. If it wasn’t for them, I would have gone long periods of time without any contact with any form of life. I sometimes go weeks without going out, so they’re the only interaction I have. The only reminder that there is life.

Please let Oreo make it through this. I don’t want to lose my bestest buddy.

And please don’t let my dad or oldest brother kill me. I don’t have the $700-$1000 to pay for this, to pay to save Oreo’s life (I hope, please let this save him). So I had to ask my dad to pay for this, and he said he couldn’t… but I got my oldest brother to agree to split the cost with my dad. But I also have to pay them both back for this. I don’t know how I can do that. I get $600 a month – that is meant to pay for all my bills, expenses, literally everything (other than $125 in food benefits, but I usually spend more than $125 a month in food so I end up using some of the $600 for food, too). I don’t know how I can pay them back when at the end of each month, I literally have only a few cents left in my account.

I am not going to let Oreo die because of money. What he has done for me is worth more than anything, no matter what the price. I would have sold everything I had of value if my family wouldn’t pay for this. Well, I’m going to have to think of some way to pay them back. I know they are being good by paying for this now for me, but I don’t understand how they can think I can/should pay them back. I don’t even have enough money to buy clothes or shoes that I’ve desperately needed for the past year.

I want Oreo to make it through this, and I want him to be able to come home within 4-5 days (I don’t want him coming home too soon just because I miss him and then having him get worse again)… and I also want to have money come out of my ass so my family won’t kill me.

*goes back to crying*

Nothing is Nothing

Not sure what to say, or do, or think.
Lately my mind has been getting the better of me. It’s been running wild, without my consent.. and I seem to be unable to do anything about it.

I just finished watching Cloverfield. Not bad, I guess. The movie was shot in ‘home-movie’ so watching a cam version was fine. I sometimes wish I could go see movies in the theater, but I suppose I’m used to not being able to do that. Right now I’m watching The Invisible. I have a few other movies I’ve yet to watch, guess that’s what I’ll be doing for the bulk of the day.
Tomorrow I have the Dr. appt with the pain management Dr. We’ll see how that goes, but I’m not too hopeful. I have seen so many people, I just gave up in the idea that anything can or will get better. Ugh, I still have to fill out the forms before going, I hate filling out those medical history forms. Dude, I can’t even read my own handwriting. Holding a pen/pencil is agonizingly painful, so I’m not looking forward to it.

I don’t know why my mind always settles on the worst things. I remember being a kid, and my mind wandering off and settling on dreams, usually good things. I miss those days, before I really found out what it’s like to live in hell.

I often wonder how long I’ll keep on going like this. Without much human contact. Without any friends. Without a life. Without anything. All I seem to have is the horrible nightmares and memories that paralyze me. Everything I watch, read, or see stirs up something or another.
Every night I play a game. How many pills can I take at once, and will it put me to sleep. It seems I can take a whole bunch of pills and nothing gets me to sleep. It’s rather annoying. Last night I tried 2 Benadryl, 2 Sudafed, 3 Flexeril, 1 Xanax and the meds I take nightly. After all that, which I took around 11pm, I didn’t fall asleep until 5-6am. Bunch of bullshit.

So what’s next? No idea.
I keep on going, keep on trying… a lot of good it does me, eh? I’m still in the bottom of a hole, still stuck in the dark. Every time I try to do something, anything, I fall back down. Fuck, even simple, everyday tasks I can’t seem to get done anymore. Everything is a struggle, everything is a fight with myself. I always seem to lose.

Still cry every day. Will that ever stop? This many years, and it still hasn’t changed. Sometimes I think when I’m happy, maybe then it will stop. But I just don’t see that happening, I don’t see any way for me to be happy. Nothing I do makes me happy anymore. Nothing. I just want something to be happy about. I don’t think I’m allowed to be happy anymore, ever again. Why bother trying?

Last Night’s Drama

My mom stopped by with someone to try and clean up the basement a bit more. I guess I dozed off around 5:30, and she was here from 6 until 7ish. I woke up at 9, and went downstairs to eat. I don’t remember why I noticed, but I realized I hadn’t seen Oreo. If I am sleeping, he is in one of three places: In bed with me, on the computer chair, or sleeping on the top tier of the cat tower. I knew I didn’t see him upstairs, so I double checked the cat tower and didn’t see him. I called for him, he didn’t come. I went into the basement, thinking maybe he was using the litterbox, but he was not down there. I then proceeded to freak out.

I went outside and walked around calling for him, with no luck. You need to understand a few things here. First, Oreo is a spoiled attention whore. He will always come when he’s called, or when he simply hears anything… because he knows people = petting/attention. He has a leash, and when the weather and my health permits, he walks outside. Hell, he walks better than most dogs do. He loves it. He walks for a mile or so, walks into peoples’ houses if they leave a door open, runs up to every person he sees… everyone around here knows him.

Oreo knows his way around the neighborhood. He has gotten out on his own more than a few times. When I first found him (he was a stray I found when living in Columbus 6 or so years ago) he was an indoor/outdoor cat simply because he would get upset if he was kept inside. Where we were living back then had a park and a golf course right behind us, so it was actually fairly safe for the cats to run around alone. But Oreo is declawed (we found him like that), which means he can’t be a outdoor cat. He also has issues with being territorial and aggressive with other (unknown) cats.

Anyway, the times he’s gotten out I usually found him pretty quickly. He either goes to where the neighborhood outdoor cats live, finds a spot in bushes to sleep, or if people are outside he’ll be with them. I looked all over, called for him, shook a can of treats… and no Oreo :( I called my mom and asked her if she might have let him out when she was here. I know I didn’t let him out, and she did have the basement door open for a minute while she was down there. I guess she wasn’t careful, and he got out. 3 or so hours since he got out then. I told her to come over and help me look for him.

We walked all over, calling him, then drove around. Nothing. I was now worried and pissed off. Do you have any idea how many people have met Oreo and wanted to keep him? He really is a great cat, and everyone knows it. So I was afraid someone found him and took him, or he got hit by a car or attacked by a dog.

I went to my neighbor and got the live trap they have. Their cats have gotten out before, and they bought a live trap for when that happens. I borrowed the trap, and put some tuna in that my mom brought over. I didn’t think it would work. Oreo has seen the trap plenty of times when they had it out for their cat, and he always smelled it and ran. 11pm, my mom was gone, and I was on the couch with the screen door open so I could hear the trap on the front porch. The trap was a little funky, and went off a few times earlier just because of the wind.

I heard the trap, figured it went off on it’s own again, and went out to reset it. Yeah, went out and found Oreo in the trap – purring his heart out while eating the tuna. He wouldn’t get out of the trap until he finished the tuna. When I carried him inside, he was just the happiest kitty ever. He went and drank some water, then followed me upstairs. He just plopped down on the bed, purring and cuddling. He knows he was bad! He was just trying to suck-up so I wouldn’t be mad. Littler bugger.

So that was my kittydrama. I do not like it when my cats get out. I am thinking of finding a vet that still does tattoo IDs. Not all vets have a ID chip scanner, so getting one of those implanted really won’t always help. Hell, if you found a cat outside and decided to keep it, knowing it was someone’s cat, I doubt you’d take it to the vet anytime soon. But having a tattoo ID would be visible by everyone. You can at least prove it is your cat, and notify local vets/shelters to look for a cat with the tattoo. Hang signs all over, and even if someone took him, maybe if they will be nice and return him if they knew it was easy to ID the cat.

But, I don’t think they do tattooing anymore. I don’t know why. I’ve got tattoos, they didn’t hurt me… I doubt the cats would be hurt by it.

Oh well. Right now Freda is in bed, laying on my pillow. Oreo is sleeping downstairs in the cat tower. I think Bo is either in the cat tower box, or on the couch. But I know where they all are, and they’re safe… and spoiled.

In other news, there is no other news. I have an appointment with a pain management Dr. on the 22nd. My primary care Dr. had to write a referral and send over some notes about my history. She called and asked me why I was going to another Dr. I already tried a few different specialists who deal with chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia, so she couldn’t understand why I’d want to go to another. I had to explain that the last bunch of Drs I went to did nothing to help. They threw pills at me that I told them would not work. Giving me nerve pain medication will not work, because despite what some Drs believe, CFS/ME/FM is *not* a nerve disorder. To complicate my problems, I have several things attributing to the pain. I also can’t take 99% of pain medication. Either I’m allergic to it, can’t take any NSAIDs because that is was attributed to my renal failure, can’t take aspirins, and I’m already taking twice the recommended dose of Tylenol (which is causing liver problems already).

In the end, the only safe pain medication is oxycodone. Hell, aside from addiction, it is actually one of the safest medications for pain. The problem is that Drs take one look at me and figure I’m just drug-seeking. Yeah, ok… whatever. My life sucks, I have tattoos, that MUST mean I’m a drug addict, right? But you admit I have several conditions that cause debilitating pain, and I’m also considered disabled and unable to work in the eyes of the government because of my issues. Yet, when I ask for a medication that works and won’t cause organ damage, I’m not given it because some people abuse it. Well, thanks a lot. So I’ll just lay in bed every day unable to move, just so you don’t have to worry about me abusing a medication that I actually need.

That all just pisses me off. But they, the Drs, do the same thing when it comes to treating my fatigue. There are medications that could help me, and allow me to have enough energy to at least get out of bed daily, but they won’t give me those meds because some people abuse them. Fine, fuck you again, I’ll just lay in bed for 2 weeks because I’m too tired to get up. Instead of giving me the meds I need, I get the usual speech about how I just need to exercise. Yeah, as soon as I can shower daily, I’ll exercise daily. But as is right now, I struggle with just getting up to eat or shower. If I shower, I end up so sore and tired I sleep for 2 days straight.

Bunch of fuckers. So my primary care Dr. probably sent the referral with a note saying not to give me any medications that could be abused. If I go there to this new Dr., and get the same bullshit speech… I’m going to be very pissed. I don’t know where else to turn, as this really is my last option. The only other option I might have is going to Florida to visit my family, and see my dad’s pain management Dr. while I’m there. That guy has been giving my dad percocet for 5+ years. That Dr. seems to understand that sometimes, there is no other option.

Blah. In closure, here is a picture of Oreo for you all to google over :P

Some random things I’ve been meaning to write

I was going to go do some other things after that last post was done, then a movie I like came on so I’m sitting put for now.

This is a good time to post the “List of Movies That I Always Will Watch If I See It Playing On TV”.

The movie I’m watching now is one of those movies – Earth Girls Are Easy.
This is a good 80’s movie that didn’t really hit it off, but I still like it. It stars a bunch of now-big-name-actors in some of their earlier and unknown work. Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey, Damon Wayans, just to name a few. You also have to love the music in this movie, and the odd sudden break-outs in a musical performance by random groups of people.

Any of the Star Wars movies is a movie I will usually watch if on. I’m not biased about the new ones versus originals, I’ll watch them all.

Any of the first 2 or 3 (the third and beyond were just not that good) Revenge of The Nerds movies is also something I usually can’t pass up. 80’s movie, nerds galore and the awesome 80’s music… can’t resist that. (watch Family Guy episode called “Don’t Make Me Over” for a reference to the first movie).

I am not sure why, but I always end up watching Bicentennial Man both when it’s on TV and by going to OnDemand and picking it out there when I want something to watch. I guess I just like that movie, because for about 2-3 months I put that movie on while trying to sleep. When I try to sleep, my choice of movies is very picky. It has to be a movie I like, that isn’t boring, isn’t new to me, and isn’t full of too much crap that can seep into my dreams in a negative manner. I think it’s Robin Williams. There are a few movies with him, including Bicentennial Man, that I like watching.

Then there’s a bunch of 80’s movies with Eddie Murphy. The Golden Child, Coming To America and a few others. Those are just too good to pass up. Even his movies later on I will usually watch when I can. He’s funny, you just can’t deny that. I think I have 10-12 of his movies in my movie collection. So yeah, I like his movies :)

Almost any movie with Steve Martin is unpassable. Even some of his lesser-known movies are a good watch.

Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger also has a bunch of can’t-resist movies. Even if many of his movies include him killing everyone, they aren’t violent/negative enough to have a negative impact on my dreaming. Kindergarten Cop and Twins are on often, so I end up watching those a lot.

Lets see, what else? A few dozen of Steven Spielberg’s movies are always a good pick. Old, new… doesn’t matter. I think he did a good job on at least 85% of his movies. Dude, The Goonies and Indiana Jones – enough said.

There are plenty more movies I could list, but these are the first bunch that came to mind.

This is why I’m convinced there should be at least 5 all-80’s movie channels. That would just be totally awesome!

Killing time while using up bandwidth…

Comcast sucks. High speed my ass. I’m downloading some shit, and my internet is crippled while doing so. Assholes.

So I thought I’d use my time to write some more. Why not? I have nothing better to do at the moment, and I am pissed off and feeling like shit. Best time to let’er rip, eh?

Let me explain why I’m pissed. Someone was hired to clean and paint my basement. It turns out that person is a total fucking moron that I’m pretty sure would not be able to pass for a human if he was tested for basic logic skills. He would rank somewhere with a goldfish… maybe.

The asshole ‘finished’ last week. I went down there to look, and indeed he did not finish. He didn’t clean 2 major areas in the basement, two areas which were in bad need of cleaning. The stupid whore that owned the house before me didn’t like cleaning litter boxes, but loved have 20+ cats. So what did she do? Dumped dirt into two corners of storage spaces in the basement, and let the cats go there. Never cleaning it up. So there was two areas covered in dirt, dust, and cat shit/piss. The basement guy didn’t bother to clean this. Before giving him the 2nd check for the rest of the money owed, he was told to go back down and actually finish the job. He did. And in doing so, fucking ruined my whole damn house.

I still don’t know what went wrong, but I’m pretty sure I have it figured out. He went down there with a shop-vac and used that to simply suck up all the dirt/shit he didn’t bother to clean before. Now, the vac he used was either missing any filter of some kind or he was not using a proper canister for the vac. Instead of sucking up all the dirt, dust and shit… basically he sucked it up into the vac, which then proceeded to force it all right back out and into a big cloud of dust. Keep in mind, where he was cleaning was in these spaces in the same room as my furnace. It’s winter, so the furnace is on. I was trying to sleep (this was at like 11am) and I thought I was dreaming when I noticed things.

I partially woke up when my room was suddenly filled with smoke, or so I thought it was. I just thought maybe the dickhead didn’t notice a bad belt on the vac he was using, and it was burning. I dosed back off. A while later I remember waking up to him screaming at the bottom of the steps “Hey, do you have a fan I can use before I go?” I don’t remember this much, I was really out of it. I don’t even remember my response.

About an hour after he left, I woke up and realized I needed to eat. I go downstairs, and notice a ‘cloud’ of smoke/whatever. I went into the kitchen, and started grabbing stuff to eat. Soon I noticed my hands suddenly had this brown stuff all over them. I look around, and notice everything seemed to have a brown tint to it. I go around the house with some paper towels, wiping things off here and there. Everything I found had this brown stuff on it. I notice the heat vents were 100% covered in this stuff, too. Then it hit me. I looked in the basement, didn’t even need to go down, and saw all the brown on the freshly painted white walls. That ’smoke’ I noticed while I was half asleep was the shit that he was supposed to be cleaning up. Since he was right next to the furnace, and something wasn’t done right, everything that was once in those areas was forced through my furnace and throughout my entire house. Every single surface area of my house was covered in this layer of dust, dirt and cat shit/piss. I was sure of this when I started coughing up brown shit, and then had a massive asthma attack.

I just had my cleaning lady out 3 days prior. Everything was clean, there was no dust anywhere. Now, everything… I mean EVERY DAMN THING, was covered. I freaked out and ran outside. Dude, I’m germophobic and I have issues with this kind of shit. I was freaking out. To make the rest of the story short: I called my cleaning lady and begged her to come out right then and there to wipe down and clean all the surfaces in the house. This included floors, tables, shelves, walls, ceilings… everything. Every fabric I had that wasn’t inside a drawer/closet was covered in this shit. Everything smelled. I had to pay my cleaning lady $140 to come out right then and there and clean more than she’s ever had to clean before. I was actually going to call a professional cleaning service, but I couldn’t find one that could come out the same day, on the weekend, at the last minute like that. The best I found was places who could come Monday and charge me $200-500 to clean. So I went with my cleaning lady. After she cleaned, I realized the house wouldn’t really be rid of this stuff for months.

There is only so much you can do to remove this stuff from everything. It is still here and there, and will get kicked up into the air all the time and settle back down on all the surfaces. This was obvious when I woke up today and wiped off the just-cleaned countertops in my kitchen. It wasn’t a thick coat of crap like it initially was, just a nice frosting of it. I’ll have to wipe down everything little by little, and try to eventually get most of it out.

I realized right away I had to turn my heat off. This shit was in my furnace and in all the vents. If I turned the heat on, the whole house would be filled with the smoke/dust cloud and recoated with the stuff. The only way to prevent that is to have my furnace and vents cleaned out by a professional company. That costs a lot, as I’ve had it done before not too long ago. Until I have my basement and furnace/vents cleaned, I can’t turn my heat on. That is pretty shitty since it’s fucking cold right now.

To make matters worse, my dad is pissed and refusing to pay to have this mess cleaned. He is willing to not pay the basement guy the 2nd half of his money, and use that money to cover the cleaning costs. But that means we have to tell the basement guy we’re not paying him, and I have a feeling he won’t like that. My mom insists on talking to the guy and telling him what he did and making him fix things. No. I don’t want him back in my house, ever. He is a fucking moron and there is nothing good to come from asking him to do anything more. He fucked up, big time, so he is not getting paid. My mom wanted me to not have my house cleaned, I was to wait for him to come look at things and figure out how to clean everything. NO! I am not going to sit here with my house covered in a brown-coat of what equals shit. Somehow she can’t fathom that this dust/dirt/shit is something i’m highly allergic to, and inhaling it will probably give me pneumonia ontop of other problems. I already am afraid I inhaled it enough to cause a major problem. I was not going to wait for her to talk to him. I wanted that shit out… now.

The basement, furnace, vents and a few other things are still uncleaned. My cleaning lady could only do 3 1/2 hours of work. She couldn’t get every last surface area 100% clean. I left the basement as-is for my mom to see, and fucking clean since it was her damn fault for hiring a total fucking idiot. I have a feeling nobody will be willing to pay to have the furnace, vents and basement cleaned – I’ll have to pull some money out of my ass (meaning I have no money and therefore me paying is not even a possibility) or I’ll have to figure shit out with my parents to see which one of them will fix this situation.

I am pissed. I am sick. I can’t breath, I have a rash all over, and I’m pretty sure I will have pneumonia within the next week from all I inhaled. I can’t turn my heat on, so I’m freezing. I can’t even wash all my now dirty clothes/linens because the basement asshole clogged the basement sink/drains with paint, and broke the connections for the washer/dryer. Yeah, he fucked everything up big time. But neither of my parents seem to care. They won’t take the blame or responsibility, and neither wants to pay or make much of a effort to fix this mess. I am the only one suffering from this, so what the fuck do they care.

I really hate people. I wish I was just a little less moral, so I could have no problems with killing that man and taking every penny he has.

Again, as is usual in my life, I am completely fucked. I am forced to live with other peoples’ mistakes, and I’m the only one who has to suffer from the morons around. As if my life didn’t suck enough, this all had to happen.

When will the fucking world realize I really don’t need any more reasons to go kill myself? No, I’m not depressed or suicidal. I am just able to see reality. My whole world, my entire life, sucks. If anyone else was forced to live my life, they would have killed themselves long ago. But I have to be strong, moral, good… I am not allowed to give up. I can’t kill myself for fear of proving everyone right. Instead I must live in a constantly worsening hell. Every fucking day something else happens to make it even harder for me to fight that urge to end it all. Everytime I think it can’t get any worse, it does.

People are not meant to be solitary creatures. If we were, we would be able to reproduce alone and lack any higher forms of communication and expression. I am forced to not just live a solitary life, but I am constantly crushed by having a speck of hope for human contact, only to have it violently ripped away from me. Friends never stay around much, no matter how close or casual… they always run away from me, and usually kick me on their way out. Marriage provided a chance of having someone to live my life with, but that was just one big punishment. Children provided hope, a life, a reason to keep on going, but my children were ripped away from me and I was forced to bury my own children before I even had a chance to know them.

What else will I have to go through? When will I have one fucking chance of not having to fight to survive? When will this world stop punishing me? I just want one fucking day where I can wake up and not think “What is a good way to kill myself today without having to get out of bed?”

I just stepped away from this for 20min to talk to my mom who just called. She and my dad have worked some of this mess out. We’re not paying the basement guy the rest of the money owed. The money that was meant to pay him will instead be used to cover the cost of my cleaning lady, Sears Air Duct/Furnace Cleaning (to be done this week ASAP), and a cleaning team to go and properly clean the basement once the furnace/air ducts are cleaned. My mom will come over and use a Swiffer thing and go over all my walls and ceilings to remove as much as the stuff left as possible. She’s also going to clean all my linens and clothes that got covered in this shit.

Do I feel any better knowing things might get cleaned up? Not really. This whole mess shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

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What the hell is wrong with people?

Some things tend to really piss me off, while other seemingly similar things/situations I am able to turn a blind eye to.

One thing that really pisses me off is how fucking stupid people can be. People raised in the so-called modern world, with formal education and the natural ‘common sense’ bits of the brain intact. When someone like that is able to believe in total bullshit and blindly follow some prick that is out for money, I just get pissed. I usually do keep my mouth shut about such things, but lately it seems the whole world is being overtaken by total fucking idiots.

I won’t say which family member did this, but out of the blue, they said “So do you believe in all this global warming bullshit?”
Umm… What? How can you believe or not believe in a term being used to explain a current situation? “Global warming is bullshit. We’re not doing anything to cause it, and it probably isn’t even happening. Even if it seems like something is going on, maybe it is just the natural cycle of things.” Dude… just no. The world is pretty obviously ‘changing’, and something is going on. The last 100 years has brought more major natural disasters than all of the past 1000 years. Yes, the earth goes through ‘cycles’ of extremes. The climate shifts, things die off, and things kind of ‘restart’ from scratch. But for the past 5000 years (longer, but just giving a generic date for the beginning of ‘recorded history’ of sorts) the earth has not drastically shifted. The pattern of that shift is millions of years apart, not thousands. Why would the earth suddenly change from millions to thousands? Yes, the earth has a natural cycle, and this sure as hell isn’t it. We should have a lot more time to go until we have to worry about a major earth-wide climate shift.

To try and explain why this is happening, why things are different, you have to look at what has changed. What might have put a big ding in the path the earth normally travels? Do you really think that the human population suddenly spewing more shit into the atmosphere than ever before has no impact on things? Do you think that wiping out the earths’ forest, which is where our oxygen comes from, has absolutely no consequences? Yeah, ok. Sure. We can live without that damn pesky ozone layer than helps filter the sun. Fuck oxygen, we don’t actually need it to survive, right? And all that water on earth, it won’t matter if we suddenly fuck it up more than anything has in the whole known history of earth, eh?

Are you fucking kidding me? It’s amazing what people can be convinced into believing.

Then there has been a few run-ins with some rather interesting people. For the most part, I kept my mouth shut about my opinion on them and simply ignored them. These people are those fashion-junkies who like to believe they are vampires, aliens are responsible for nearly everything, and they have some psychic ability that is just so fucking cool. Yeah, ok. Hey shitheads, read some books that you didn’t find in the sci-fi section of the library. The whole idea of vampires is based on a bunch of idiots. Long ago, people started exploring the places they live. They ventured out, farther and farther from the world they know, and into areas their peers have never seen. With them they bring their belief, their faith, in whatever the hell it is they’re accustomed to. Suddenly, they see strange things around them. People, outside of their known world, and situations they can’t even begin to explain. They find people a bunch of dead people and weird markings around. The peoples’ throats were slashed, their blood drained, and all sorts of weird things around. What the hell could have done that? No man they know has even seen or done anything like that. OMG it must be some boogie man! Vampires was the story told to explain what explorers found when they ran into a different culture. Back when human sacrifice was still the ‘in thing’ for indigenous tribes, and people from the ‘modern cities’ couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on… they had to come up with something to explain things. So yeah, magic beings called vampires go around sucking your blood, this and that. It was just their way to cope with something they couldn’t understand. Just because something is new to you, doesn’t make it new to the rest of the world. It does not give you the right to try and convince your peers that there is some evil force out there if you dare travel far.

I guess it is good that the whole global warming situation is bullshit and vampires are real. That would make it easier for people to live selfish lives where they never have to think of anything other than themselves. Fucking morons.

I won’t go into the mainstream religion thing. Christians and it’s subsects are just lazy Jews. They got sick of following the whole Jewish thing, so they went ahead and decided that the messiah came and they can go ahead and stop following Jewish law. Fuck the whole no working on Saturday thing. Maybe pigs and lobsters were starting to look really tasty, and people got sick of not being able to eat that. But that doesn’t mean I believe that the Jews have it right, either. I am simply saying that everyone that went along with the whole Jesus thing were just Jews who wanted a change. If you want to go along with what is known now, there are other religions plenty older than what most of the Western world seems to believe. Personally, I think if there is some truth behind any of these religions, then the one that was around first was probably the most accurate. But personally, I think if anything is true, then the only thing that really matters is if you lead a moral and decent life. Be good to yourself, your surroundings, your peers… and that’s probably what matters most.

What the hell is wrong with people? Like I’ve always said: In 5000 years, long after humans left earth and headed elsewhere because the earth was inhabitable, they would return to earth once again. They’ll look around, and find all sorts of things. Then someone goes and finds the set of Harry Potter books. Wow. This is history, it’s old, it’s a good read… fuck, it must be a historical account of things. It’s religion! Follow those books, they’re old and weird!

I swear if that happens, I hope there is a afterlife of sorts… just so I can fucking laugh my ass off.

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social, world, religion, random, bullshit, politics, faith, idiots, morons, humanity

5am is the best time…

Really, it’s good to go to the store between 3am and 5am. No crowds, no lines… for someone who likes to shop in jammies, it’s perfect :)

Nothing much new to report, really. Well, I am now able to contribute more when it comes to Adium. I am not a forum mod, and have access to editing the wiki/trac. There were some wiki pages for Adium that needed to be updated, added to, or corrected – it always annoyed me, and it seemed nobody had the time to do it. So, now I can! :) I already did a few things here and there, so far so good.

My sleeping schedule is all off again, which should be obvious since I just went grocery shopping at 5am. In general, I’m not feeling great, but that’s usual. Next week I have 2 appointments I need to drag myself to. I will not miss these appointments, I will force myself to go, dammit!!!

I’m getting a bit pissed off about something. I have this great business/product idea. I know that if I could get it going, it would be successful and I would be financially secure. The problem is I don’t know how to start, what to do, where to find help. I want to get this thing going, I need the money, the ability to support myself and be successful in life. It’s just not easy, and I don’t know where to turn for help :(

Other than talking to various people working with/on Adium, I haven’t talked to anyone lately. Well, tonight Joel called to wish me happy (jewish) new year. Didn’t talk too much, just caught up on the past month or so since we last talked. He’s busy with work, so I don’t expect to have much contact with him. I’m still socially isolated, and it’s not getting any easier to deal with living like that.

I need to sleep more, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to if I lay down right now. I guess I have to stay up for awhile, and make sure I am a bit more tired before trying to lay down again.

Blah.